Six Easy Ways to Start Connecting with Others Again
Why We Need To Try Connecting with Others
Many people have forgotten what connecting with others feels like. According to a 2023 Surgeon General report, an epidemic of loneliness and isolation rages in the United States. Millions of Americans report problems with connecting with others.
Lack of social connectedness leads to all sorts of problems. In a startling statistic, feeling socially disconnected can lead to premature death as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Surgeon General chart shows frightening health dangers of not connecting with others.
Technological Connection Doesn’t Substitute For Connecting With People
It’s no surprise that Americans haven’t been connecting with others. Many of us spend more time looking at our phones than doing anything else during the day. To start connecting with each other, people can intentionally disconnect from technology for periods of time in what’s known as a “tech break” or “digital detox”.
Then they can re-engage with traditional types of interpersonal interaction that form real social connections. This may sound simple, but it won’t be for many of us. Still, we can begin with small increments.
“Face-to-face contact releases a whole cascade of neurotransmitters and, like a vaccine, they protect you now, in the present, and well into the future, so simply […] shaking hands, giving somebody a high-five is enough to release oxytocin, which increases your level of trust, and it lowers your cortisol levels, so it lowers your stress.”
Susan Pinker, Psychologist, and author of “The Village Effect: How Face-to-Face Contact Can Make Us Healthier, Happier, and Smarter”.
Briefly, people who want to jumpstart connecting with others can:
Put the phone down
Go outside
Talk to other people
Read newspapers and books
Pause before reacting on-line and in person
Be civil to others.
Six Steps for Connecting With Others That You Can Do Today
1. Put the phone down.
TIP:
Disable notifications from or turn off all other connected gadgets, including smartwatches.
WHEN and WHERE
Riding on the subway? Put the phone down. Walking down the street? Put the phone down. Eating? Waiting for a meal in a restaurant? Having a coffee? Put the phone down. Having dinner with a friend or lover? Put the phone down.
HOW
Step away from your phone or put it in a place you cannot easily reach. Instead of doomscrolling or reading or sending texts or messages you don’t need to read or send, look up.
Make phone-free time a regular daily habit. Increase phone-free time period gradually. You will feel withdrawal as you try to kick the habit. That’s okay. Keep going.
WHY
Excessive “smart-phone” usage is linked with higher rates of depression. Research tell us we need to spend less time on our phones and on social media. But we already know. 52% of Americans believe they are too dependent on their phones. 59% use their phones on the toilet and 27% admit to texting at stoplights. Looking at our phones prevents us from connecting with others, every day, everywhere.
2. Go outside.
TIP
Don’t let weather stop you. Any type of day is a good one to go outside. Before you leave, set your phone so that it will not beep, vibrate, or ring. Better yet, leave it behind. Spending time outside on your phone doesn’t count!
WHEN and WHERE
You can go anywhere, at any time. Unclench and unwind. A whole world awaits outside of the places where you can easily view your screens. These places will have more light. Go outside as much as possible, taking in the sun and the elements. Bonus points for going out in nature, which can reset your body and leads to mental and physical equilibrium. Try the Japanese practice of “forest bathing”.
HOW
Leave your desk, chair or couch. Walk if you like. Bike if you prefer. Run if you can. Make going outside a regular habit that you do every day. Increase the time spent outside gradually. You will feel, look, and function better.
WHY
Staring at screens creates eye strain in what’s known as “computer vision syndrome” and according to dermatologists, sometimes causes frowns which lead to what’s known as “computer face” or “tech face”. Being inside and looking at blue light does little for our pallor, skin, or wellbeing. Just going outside and spending time in nature leads to better mental health, better physical wellness, and greater brain functioning. Also, it feels good. When we feel good, we are more likely to feel like connecting with others and to do so positively.
3. Talk to other people IRL, especially strangers!
TIP
Don’t wait for someone else to speak first. Make yourself jump into a conversation. It’s a good idea to talk about the weather or something innocuous before jumping into heavy philosophical discourse.
WHEN and WHERE
You can talk to other people—anyone-- anywhere, perhaps in a setting where you are stuck together. You will feel better about your day as will they. According to Harvard researchers, the more diverse the types of interactions you have, the better. Elevator, subway car, plane, café—try it. It works!
HOW
When you feel an urge to comment on something that’s happening or reach out, do it. Don’t worry about what the other person will think. Just speak. When in doubt, give a compliment. Make the connection. You and the other person will have a more positive moment which lasts throught your day, even if it’s a two-word exchange.
WHY
Socializing with human beings in face-to-face interactions provides many benefits, including better health, less depression, higher mental functioning, higher quality of life and increased wellbeing, and making you more likely to make good life choices. The surprise here is that talking to strangers is good for your health, leading to a sense of connection and belonging to a community.
4. Read newspapers and books in paper form.
TIP
Don’t listen to a book or read on kindle or phone. For free books and newspapers, visit a library. Find a good place to sit, uninterrupted by technology.
WHEN and WHERE
We can reading on paper anywhere, any time. Books and newspapers are portable. Give the effort a good chunk of time or you won’t be able to absorb much.
HOW
Read the old fashioned-way—by deciphering words typed on paper rather than on a screen. Choose a topic, author, newspaper, or magazine that you like. Get used to reading for understanding and pleasure, in longer form, instead of in quick bytes or bites.
WHY
Reading comprehension of deeper material declines when reading occurs on screens. Attention spans diminish when using short form social media apps like TikTok, where users decide whether they want to view a video within two seconds. If you want to be able to talk to people and pay attention to what they’re saying, and to get out of the short-attention-span cycle, reading newspapers and books will help. Taking time to think will enable us to become more careful consumers of news and information, and to think critically when reading or talking to others.
We can then begin connecting with others and ideas, rebuilding the synapses necessary for deeper communication. Too much multi-tasking with our devices atrophies attention span, empathy, and ability to connecting with others. Ironically, taking time to think and breathe into ideas presented on paper, off-line, helps us form connections with real people out in the world.
5. Pause before you explain, argue, state your opinion, unfollow, or leave in a huff.
TIP
Don’t react. Count to five after someone has spoken, sent you a message, or you see something on-line that you strongly like or don’t. Wait on-line and off-line before liking, forwarding, jumping into an argument, or offering your opinion.
WHEN and WHERE
Think of the Pause as a “connection gym” exercise. We can start practicing using our “connecting-with-others” muscles with the pause. On-line arguments erupt quickly when we don’t pause. Sometimes, we argue with others in person when we don’t pause, since that’s what we are used to doing on-line. Reacting and rushing in. We can practice the pause everywhere, including with family, friends, and co-workers.
HOW
To begin connecting with other people again, we have to stop reacting and attacking so quickly. Instead, pause, breathe, and listen. Think before we speak or type or swipe. It helps to change our conversational goal: we can aim to connect, not educate, correct, or argue.
WHY
Taking time to think before reacting and to listen to others creates connections and more positive interactions. Taking the time to understand the person with whom you are connecting and acknowledge their opinion and perspective yields good feelings and connectedness. Connecting involves a two-way give and take interaction between two people. Giving one’s attention to another facilitates good relationships and connections while ignoring other’s “bids for attention” correlates with relationship failure.
6. Be civil on-line and when talking to real people.
TIP
On-line, remember there is another human being on the other side of the interaction, who can be hurt by rudeness or attack. In all interactions, it’s helpful to try to use the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
WHEN and WHERE
Civility can be used in and helps in most social situations involving other people. We can employ more civility everywhere: at home, at work, in public, on-line, and anywhere else.
HOW
When interacting on-line, behave as you would like to behave in person. In person, saying please and thank you go a long way. Smiling and acknowledging someone’s presence and efforts creates connection. Looking at people rather than going through the motions helps connections to form. Wait to hear the other person’s answer when you ask how they are, and perhaps follow up to show interest.
WHY
If we are not civil to others, we will find conflict, the opposite of connection. The other person won’t want to connect with us. If as a society we can’t get along civilly, our society will fail. Civility is critical to our democracy, which depends on free speech without violence and on Americans working together as a unit.
"When once the forms of civility are violated, there remains little hope of return to kindness or decency."
– Samuel Johnson
Ready, Set, Connect!
Now that you know how to start connecting with people again, and why, try it out. Try tomorrow and the next day too. Let us know of anything that worked or didn’t. We’d love to know how it goes.
