Common Decency In A Candidate: A Lesson In Civility

Common Decency in a Politician?

Picture this scene. Zoom in on a political town hall event or rally for a presidential candidate. The race is tight. In the Q&A section, a supporter attacks the candidate’s opponent. Strongly. The audience claps.

“We’re scared, we’re scared of a [fill in opponent’s name] presidency”, he says.

The supporter begins to explain that the opponent consorts with terrorists. The opponent has a funny sounding name, as one of his parents came from another country. Some have suggested he’s not even American.

We Always Have Choices

The presidential candidate holding the event shakes his head. He doesn’t want this applause, for this accusation.

“No, no, no,” he says, reaching for the microphone.

He won’t tolerate this type of speech. This politician won’t promote misinformation or hatred. Even if it means he will lose. This candidate has common decency, or perhaps more accurately, uncommon decency.

“I have to tell you,” the candidate says. “He’s a decent person and he’s not a person you have to be scared of as president of the United States.”

The crowd boos. Nonetheless, the candidate continues, raising his hand to try to stop the booing.

“No, no, no,” he says, shaking his head. “I’ve gotta tell you.”

Where In the World?

Not in the USA, you’re thinking. This wouldn’t happen. This wouldn’t happen here.  

And yet it did, in this century. In this country. Think about that. Because we are not in that place or time anymore.

A Different Era Not So Very Long Ago

It’s hard to believe it was just over 16 years ago since John McCain famously shut down his own supporters’ misinformation-based attacks on Barack Obama. He did this not once, but twice. Republicans, his own supporters, tried to label Obama as a terrorist, an Arab, and someone to fear. Someone “other”.

Easy win, right? No brainer? He wouldn’t even have to lie, should he be the rare politician to have any scruples. It would be so easy to say nothing, and let the hate pour over an opponent, to McCain’s advantage. Not so fast: not for a person who believed in common decency, who exemplified it, and who had showed uncommon courage and character in his life before politics. 

The second time someone tried this approach at a town hall, it was a white-haired sweet-voiced woman. In a kind and gentle voice, she mentioned she didn’t trust Obama. She said:

“I have read about him. And, he, he’s an Arab.”

McCain shook his head. “No, ma’am.”

“No?” she asked.

“No,” he said, firmly.

Again, McCain grabbed the microphone.

“No ma’am,” he repeated. “He’s a decent family man, a citizen, that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues. And that’s what this campaign is all about. He’s not. Thank you.”

This time, the crowd applauded, though not vociferously. 

Wait, What?

This seems like it would be behavior from another time, and indeed it was. Before whatever has taken over our country took hold. Sometimes it seems like in any given week, hundreds of shocking, norm-breaking events occur. A constant stream of insults, smears, lies, anger, “alternate facts”, yelling, and hate permeates US politics. Common decency, not so much.

No wonder 2008 seems like centuries ago. Every day is exhausting. Who can even keep track of all the outrage? Even our own.

Every day moves us farther from John McCain’s noble stands. His uncommon common decency. Further from the hopeful beginnings of our country. We’re more polarized than at any time in the past 50 years.

Sometimes we might think we can’t do anything about this polarization, that it’s just the way it is. But is this really what we want? Who and where we want to be? Do we have to accept polarization and hatred, the lack of respect and common decency towards each other?

Learning From the Past

It’s worth looking back to this modeling of good character and common decency from a would-be president. This candidate had the opportunity to foment hatred and disrespect. He turned away. Rather than riding the wave to more hatred, he insisted on the decency of his opponent. He refused to give in to hate-mongering, anti-immigrant rhetoric, lies, or racism. Instead, he gave respect to his opponent, while fighting bitterly against him.

Despite his disappointment at losing the election, McCain conceded that he had lost. Less than two decades later, we can’t count on similar behavior in the 2024 election: accepting the election results. One candidate has said repeatedly that the only way he could lose is if the other side cheats.

Nor could we count on these behaviors in 2020. Nowadays, one candidate feels comfortable not just saying that he will accept only one election result but also in taking steps to change the result. And according to a recent poll, most Americans believe that Donald Trump will not concede if he loses.

It’s worth taking a moment to think about whether taking such an attitude or actions makes sense, is really okay, or a way a nation can function. Really think about it.

What kind of country would we be then and what would we stand for in the eyes of the world if only one result was acceptable in an election? Is this the way we want our leaders to behave?

A Good Role Model

The behavior of John McCain doesn’t seem quaint or misguided to us at Kitchen Table Talk. McCain’s actions in his life, at these townhalls, and after the 2008 election seem decent, heroic, moral, and exemplary. A good example. We at Kitchen Table Talk would like to teach our children to behave this way, to behave as McCain did ourselves, and for others to act with such decency, dignity, and groundedness towards us.

We teach our kids to try as hard as they can in sport, elections, any competition, or in life. Afterwards, we tell them, disappointed, angry, or bitter, you shake hands and move on. Learn from the experience. Our children’s coaches tell them this as well.

We don’t teach our kids to declare that the only outcome in any contest is that they have to win. To cry foul before a ball has been pitched. To declare that they can hit only grand slams or home runs. To declare their hit a home run before they bat, or after, when they’ve struck out. To blame the refs, the rules, the sun, the wind, the grass, the crowd, the other team—anything they can, instead of meeting the winner face to face, shaking hands, saying something nice even if they don’t mean it, and accepting that they gave it their best and lost.

We’d be viewed as terrible parents, and we would be terrible parents, if we did. Enablers of brats and bad behavior. Ostracized in our community probably.

We’d be viewed as a totalitarian country, not a democratic republic, or democracy, if our elections were just for show and one candidate had to win, the results preordained. We wouldn’t be the United States as we’ve always known it if these were the operating conditions for our elections.

Reaching Across the Aisle to Unite

As he was dying, John McCain asked former President George W. Bush, a Republican rival with whom he’d clashed, to give the eulogy at his funeral. They didn’t like each other. Consequently, the request seemed a bit surprising but not overly so. After all, they were from the same party.

Even more startling, McCain asked former President Obama, the Democrat whom he’d defended in the exchanges above and to whom McCain lost, to give a eulogy at his funeral. Though surprised by the request, Obama agreed immediately. Obama and McCain had never become friends. They respected each other though.

Aides to McCain and Obama explained this request and the shared vision of these ideological opponents:

“I think it is John McCain imparting a lesson in civility by asking the two men who defeated him to speak, as an example to America that differences in political views and contests shouldn’t be so important that we lose our common bonds and the civility that is, or used to be, a hallmark of American democracy.” Steve Duprey, a former McCain aide and longtime friend.

David Axelrod, a senior adviser, said McCain’s message in asking former Presidents Bush and Obama to speak was about:

“. . . our shared heritage, our shared trust of this democracy that transcends party and transcends tribe. . . It really does animate his message of national unity. There is a kind of poetry to it that he wanted his two erstwhile opponents to eulogize him.”

Now would be a good time to heed McCain’s lessons in civility. Now would be a good time to remember this moment of transcendence, and to reject hatred in favor of decency and unity.

A Plea To And For Our Country

We’d like to ask our country, our compatriots, and our leaders to hearken back to and remember the spirit, goodness, and uncommon decency of a true peace hero. At least think about McCain’s ideals and actions for a second. Take it in.

Country over party. Others over self. Goodness and decency over victory won through hatred and misinformation. Reaching across divides so that we can go forward together. Valiant effort, then acceptance and grace no matter the outcome.

Regardless of party, these are our wishes for the rest of the election season and its aftermath, which so many are now dreading.

Want to feel inspired? Look at this video.

This video shows the best of us. Calling for decency, respect, and hope, not hate, fear, anger in the weeks, months, and years ahead.